Not Proud to Hate

I hated her
And I’m not proud of it
At first I was entranced by her
Dark curls and bright eyes
How she covered up bright red cheeks
With a rimmel concealer at the table
She was glamour
And I loved illusion, then.
I hated her
And I’m not proud of it
But keeping this inside
Is making this lie
Bigger. You knew, and
Locked me in a car until
I could explain why.
There, maybe, was no reason
To hate her,
Except that I knew
Which one of us you’d choose
If I forced you too.
Instead, I blamed the bullies at school.
And I was young, and felt alone
And thought my strength was yours to own
So to keep you I thought I had to lie.
So I hated her
And I’m not proud of it.

-A.A. @nyxilotbiscuit

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